Blue
by bandgrad2008
Summary: "You're just wasting your time, dreaming about something that won't happen. Forget it. Forget her. Just get on with your life."


**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious. Sheesh.**

**A/N: Dang, it felt good writing again, even though I should have been writing my entire spring break...This is the longest OS/chapter I've written in a while. I just didn't know where to stop it.**

**Dedicated to PCG.**

**Enjoy.**

Blue

"_Come on, Jade, let's go swimming." I open one eye and squint, the sun behind Vega making it impossible to see anything other than her outline. I shake my head and close my eye, mentally singing some random song until she gently taps my leg repeatedly with her foot. "Please?" _

_I roll my eyes behind closed eyelids. "Why don't you go and find Cat? I'm trying to enjoy my peace and quiet, and you're kind of interrupting that." I hear her sigh before she moves out of the sun and she leaves me to look for Cat, who's probably already out in the water with Beck and Robbie. Something nags in the back of my mind that I should have said yes to her._

_I groan and sit up, glancing around the beach. Vega's sitting by herself on a dune, staring out at the ocean and picking at her nails. Beck and Cat are out in the water, splashing around with Robbie and Andre and laughing about their fun or whatever. Standing up, I trudge through the sand and climb the dune, sitting next to Vega. She glances at me in the corner of her eye, but I pretend not to notice._

_It's our last day of spring break and for some reason we decided to be cliché and spend it at the beach. I didn't want to come here, of all places, but I had no other choice. A certain pair of pleading chocolate eyes broke my wall and I eventually gave in. "I thought you wanted to enjoy your peace and quiet," she mutters, and I can hear the bite in her words, however subtle it may be. _

_I shrug. "You know I didn't mean it like that, Tori." She turns her head toward me and I run a hand through my hair. "What else am I supposed to do? We broke up."_

"_I know, Jade…but we said we'd still be friends. And I'm trying to be, but you're not making this easy." She twists her fingers in her lap and looks away, her eyes finding the rest of the group. I wish it wasn't true, that we were putting our relationship behind us and going back to friends, but it's difficult to. _

_I nod in agreement and lean back on my hands. "You're right." Her eyes meet mine and she frowns in confusion. "I'm not making this easy. I should just go along with it and pretend that not having you in my arms isn't the hardest fucking thing to live through every day." Her frown deepens and I groan in frustration. "Damn it, why can't I ever say the right thing?" I let my arms collapse under my weight and stare up at the sky. "I can't stop it. I've tried for weeks, but I can't."_

_She sighs, her hand reaching for mine and she slips her fingers between mine. I want to pull away from her, to just leave, but I can't. She's the first person I've never been able to walk away from and it kills me. "I never meant for it to be like this. We should have been able to just get over it and go back to the way things were."_

_I smirk, but it's empty. "You really thought we could go back to how we used to be?" She must be more delusional than I am. She nods, and I sit up, cupping her cheek, leaning in and kissing her. I wait until she responds before I pull away and shake my head. "I don't see how you thought we could go back to being just friends after everything. You can't even keep your word without kissing me back." _

_And she knows I'm right, but it's not something she's going to admit. She only wants to believe that we're not going to work out. My eyes move across the beach toward our friends and I notice that Cat is watching us, a smile plastered on her face. And suddenly, I'm aware that she thinks we just got back together. Tori realizes it as well. "Why lie to ourselves?" she mutters, before grabbing my chin and kissing me._

"_Do you still want to go swimming?" I ask when she pulls away and she rolls her eyes. Hopping to her feet, she grabs my hand and pulls me to mine, dragging me toward the water. And I can't help but smile to myself as we dive into the waves. I've never enjoyed swimming, not since I was little, but Tori makes everything better. She can take something you hate and make you feel like you never hated it in the first place, just as long as she's there with you. _

_I surface first and brush my hair out of my face, looking around for Tori. Arms wrap around my waist under water and her head pops up inches from mine, a bright smile on her face, and fuck…I'm speechless. She tastes like salt water and I'm fully aware of her wandering hands, moving secretly under the water, as we try to play innocent. Over her shoulder, I can see that the others have gone back to their game or whatever they were doing, focused on something other than us, and I can't be happier to have Tori all to myself._

"_I love you," I whisper, and she stares at me, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. It's the first time I've ever said it, and I've never been more honest about anything in my life. _

"Jade!" I jump in my seat and glance across the table at Cat, whose staring at me with a blank expression. I had let my mind wander back to that day for the hundredth time in the past week, unable to focus on anything else. The redhead sighed, closing her eyes and leaning back in her chair. "It's been four years. You have to get over it."

What hurts the most is that she's right. After a fight, a breakup, and the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest, I shouldn't be so attached to the memory of being with Tori. But I am, and I can't stop it. I can't just let go, when I know now that we're never going to be together. I can't make myself feel any other way about her, or prevent that nauseating pain in my stomach when I even try to focus on someone else. I've tried seeing other people, I've tried to busy myself at work, I've tried to forget about her through the bottle…Nothing works. She's carved into my mind, into my body like some cave art that can never be erased.

I've held on, even when I wanted to let go. I lost my friendship with Andre and Beck over it, and Robbie doesn't talk to me anyway. The only reason Cat still talks to me is to make sure I don't destroy myself and disappear into the dark sinkhole of depression that tugs at my emotions and my mind every single day. And I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose myself in this, but I can't stop. I'm fighting something of an addiction…or the battle for something I've lost and can't ever have again.

"You're just wasting your time, dreaming about something that won't happen. Forget it. Forget her. Just get on with your life." Cat never used to be like this. She was so supportive of our relationship, but when I cheated on Tori…She hates me. And she hates the fact that Tori cheated on me in return. And whether or not that's the reason she disappeared and hasn't spoken to me since the breakup, that's the exact reason I can't stop thinking about her. I made a mistake, one that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life, that she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

"You're right, Cat. And if it was that easy, I would have done it by now. But thank you for your concern." I stand up and take my plate to the sink, staring down at the remains of spaghetti sauce.

"_Oh my god, Jade, that was the best spaghetti I've ever had in my life!" We're sitting on the swings at the park late at night, having left the Italian restaurant ten minutes prior. I smirk, pulling her swing toward me, kissing her lightly. She rolls her eyes. "Kissing me isn't going to make me any less happy about that spaghetti…" I kiss her again, successfully distracting her from thoughts of our dinner date. My arm slips awkwardly around her waist, the cool metal of the chain against my arm. She smiles against my lips, standing up and pulling me to my feet. She pulls away and grins, poking my shoulder. "Catch me if you can."_

_And she manages to run about ten feet before I catch her, my arms tight around her waist from behind as I tackle her and we fall to the ground laughing. It's like we're kids again, enjoying tonight without a care in the world, without worrying about what tomorrow's going to bring, or about school or our friends. Everything's drowned out in the background when I look in her beautiful brown eyes, when I'm distracted by her amazing voice, and I can't help but feel like I belong with her. _

The clash of glass dishes in the sink makes my heart stop and I nearly jump out of my skin. I catch Cat's glare before she turns and exits the kitchen, and I sigh, dropping my plate into the sink. Even though she's not around, Tori still manages to distract me. And it doesn't help me at all, when I'm supposed to be moving on with my life.

I can hear the television in the living room, rolling my eyes when I realize it's the news. Cat's been watching lately, although I don't know why; I asked once, but she said she was just more interested in it than before. _"In other news, a local police officer was shot and killed yesterday…" _My breath catches in my throat and I hope it's not… "_Officer Vega was shot…" _My heart pounding in my ears drowns out the rest of the newscast and I barely notice Cat rushing into the kitchen in tears as I fall to my knees and fight back my own sadness.

When Tori and I had dated, her father was the most supportive of our relationship. He treated me like family, invited me on every family trip, helped when I was having my own family issues…and when we broke up, I never stopped talking to her father. She never told him where she was because of it.

Trina called Cat the next morning and announced that the funeral would be held on Saturday. I was invited, but only because of my closeness with Mr. Vega. Of course Tori would be there, and I don't know if I would be able to handle that, not after I've been trying _unsuccessfully_ to forget about her. But once Saturday came and we stood at the front of the church awkwardly, hesitant to enter. Her eyes avoided mine at all costs, even hiding behind Trina at times, but when she fell apart at the sight of her father in the casket, I couldn't stop myself from holding her.

And she was so distraught, that I'm sure she didn't even realize that it was my arms around her, or my shoulder that she had buried her face against, tears seeping through the fabric of my dress. As we watch the casket in its descent into the earth, I feel fingers slip between mine and with her free hand she tosses a handful of dirt, followed by Trina and her mother doing the same, and she glances at me, her eyes never leaving mine as the casket is buried.

"_I love you, Jade." She said it as though it was the easiest thing in the world to say, whereas it made my tongue thick every time I tried. And even while we were tangled, limb for limb, I couldn't find my voice. _

_I watched her as she got dressed and left. And instantly, my heart fell from my chest._


End file.
